It wasn't meant to be.........

Ok so today is 09/10/13. I right the date because I know it's going to be awhile before I post this publicly.
So today I began to have a miscarriage. Most of you will not of known I was even pregnant. I was 6wks today.
So I guess it was not meant to be and I guess we'll have our second wee midget when the time is right.
At present I'm a bit numb about it all. Today has not gone according to plan at all.
I was meant to work my only full day this week, come home and look after Miss Midget while Mr E worked tonight.
Obviously those plans are now out the window. Instead I was at White Cross at 10:45am and then at the Pathologist to get blood taken. I have a Doctors appointment tomorrow for blood tests results and a "where to from here" chat. I can see the rest of this week is going to be hell but it's just goes with my "I want a refund" post I think.

I'm not going to even try and fathom why people go through this. It's cruel and unfair. The only thing I can grasp is that baby you were obviously to perfect for this world and that you were needed in heaven instead of being with me and your daddy.

I wrote this poem a few years ago when a friend of mine went through this. 

Tears cannot express the sadness we go through knowing you're not here.
They say that god has a master plan and all I can think of it’s not fair.
Going through the pain and knowing I cannot hold you, it’s not fair.
They say try again. I don't want to, I want you more than they will ever know.
They say other things to try and make me feel better like what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
At the end of the day I know they mean well but I don't care, I want you.
God and life are not on our side this time it seems.
You were loved before your first breath and even more loved now even though we never got the chance to meet you.
Forever in our hearts, my little butterfly baby.

I write this post not looking for sympathy. I know I'm not the first or the last person to go through this. This is more for me to try and make sense of it all.
I know once the hormones settle down and things go back to normally I'll be fine and life will carry on.

14/10/13
Ok so I've been thinking and talking with a few people. It's only been a few days of healing and I know there will be lots more.
I'm still quite numb about the whole thing. I'm not sure how I feel. While I am sad I feel like I should feel worse. I haven't been the crying mess in the corner. I dunno. I have just been putting one foot in front of the other.
The people I have told so far have been wonderful (Not that I was expecting them not to be). Words of condolence have been spoken but right now I almost feel like a fraud due to the way I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, I appreciate all the kind words that have been given to me but it's like I don't deserve them because I'm not more emotional about this whole thing.

I'm not sure if you could class this as me dealing with it well or not dealing with it at all.
I'm in a bit of pain today. I was meant to go to work today but I think I did too much over the weekend so have been curled up with my book today. Miss Midget has gone out for the day and Mr E has gone fishing. I'm having some peace.
I kind of feel like I should be feeling more. I don't want to belittle anyone that has been through this or is going to go through this. I feel like I'm not feeling what I should which turns the guilt up even more.

Again this post is for me processing exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. Even seeing it on the screen isn't helping though. Will see. I'll put this post down to my own personal therapy. Chucking it out into the universe may help me process. 

Ok so now it's on with the positive. I will sort through this. I know there is no right or wrong way to feel and to grieve. I have a beautiful family whom I love more than anything and I have lots of people around me who make me smile constantly.
I'm making new friends through the book blog and I get to to talk books with like minded people which is always fun. 

I'll leave you with this, I posted it on my facebook the other day :).

It's coming I promise.

Just a quick update to tell you where I'm at. So holiday adventure stories are coming. I have been snowed under with work and one sick Miss Midget (It seems the moment we hit the county her immune system protested).

We also have had birthdays to celebrate with My 30th happening while we were away and Miss Midget's 4th Birthday happening the week we were back.

For the Birthdays we had an afternoon tea for Miss and drinks for me (Very poor effort on my part, I was in bed by 12am, thanks to Mr E deciding it was a good idea to feed me shots - Shots are never a good idea!!!! When will I learn?).

Anyway to tide you over for a little while heres a couple that I haven't posted on Facebook - This should keep the masses happy until I can sort the rest out (Monday hopefully).

I think we got a tad wet on this ride at Sea World

Miss Midget making friends at Noosa National Park

Mr E having a turn on the didgeridoo in Cairns - He's pretty good

"King Kong & Pippi Longstockings"
Mr E and myself Jungle Surfing (Flying fox kinda thing or Zip Lining) at Cape Tribulation in Cairns

Woohoo Holiday

Woohoo we're going on Holiday.
The final countdown has began (All I have running through my head is "It's the final countdown") as we're off on Friday down to the M.I.L's house and then leaving on a jet plane to jump the ditch on Saturday to have a Austrailia Adventure (Cliche much? haha).

I'm so looking forward to it. I'm praying that it's a hell of a lot warmer there than it is here (looking at the temps it's a given yay).

I've made it to almost 30yrs old without leaving the country I can't wait to see what Australia has in store for me.

So heads up for everyone this is your official warning that I won't be on the net much come Saturday next week unless I find internet access somewhere (Not really planning on looking too hard) so both this blog and Lost in a Book will be a little quiet for at least a couple of weeks as we're gone till 25th/26th of August.

Right now to get off the computer and go continue figuring what on earth I'm packing.
According to Miss Midget she is only taking toys and her bag's all packed. When asked about her clothes she informed me that she was gonna rock around Australia in her pj's. Hmmmm something tells me this one takes after her Mummy in the fact that pj's are the most comfy thing owned :)

Take care and will talk when I get back (I'll have lots of photos to show you hehe)

Important Life Lessons for Miss Midget

So this morning tragedy struck and i was greeted with tears when I went to get Miss Midget up this morning.
Her poor long suffering Barbie has lost her leg just below the knee.



We are hoping Dr Daddy (Mr E) will be able to fix Barbie (Glue should work I hope).
This got me thinking about life lessons Missy has learnt in her 3 almost 4 years.

I would say this is a important one. Barbie's legs may bend but it doesn't mean they go that way. Also this could be a lesson on the fact that Mummy and Daddy may not be able to fix everything.

Another lesson she's learnt a few months back (I won't go into to much detail about it) - She has found out the hard way that if she swallows the likes of Barbie's little bracelet that while we may see it again we do not get to keep it and we count it as GONE.

Another one she's learnt is that yes we can give our toys haircuts but they are not like us and it won't grow back. This one she learnt after silly Mummy left a pair of scissors within reach and Miss had friends around. Really it's all Mummy's fault but still Miss has learnt a valuable lesson on that one.

I know there are more life lessons coming for her. Things like "We don't cut our own hair" and the like of so I guess I have things to look forward to. Feel free to let me know other fun life lessons I may not be aware of.

So I guess now we wait for Dr Daddy and figure out whether today's life lesson is about Barbie's leg or the fact Glue is a wonderful invention.

Will let you know how Barbie's surgery goes :)

Well cheers to a uncertain future

Well this week more uncertainty has crept into my life.

I have been made redundant. 

While I'm not overly happy about the prospect of leaving the job I have held for the last 4 1/2yrs, I can honestly say I just don't have the fight left in me to try again to keep it.

So now with the uncertainty I have a world of possibility in front of me of what I can do next. While in theory this all sounds wonderful I'm not overly happy about this either as there is no structure, control, planning in place on what I am to do next.

Also with the possibility comes "new", I'm thinking about the concept of this now and while it is pushing me out of my comfort zone I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.

So I guess I plan the best way I can. So I'm to start with the job websites and ringing round trying to update my references etc.

So far I have applied for 3 jobs and I have 2 more I am still contemplating. The next "right job" will be just around the corner I'm sure. So for the time being it's a matter of holding on to the handlebars and let the roller coaster take me where it may.

Well wish me luck people and lets see where I end up next :). 

Oh and if you hear of anything in the admin department that you think I might be interested in please feel free to send it my way. The more people helping me look the better.

(Small side note. I started writing this post on Tuesday while waiting for the confirmation. I strategically left it until now to post so I get over all my angry "doom & gloom" and start looking on the bright side. I know this is situation is not forever and I found a awesome quote this week that I think sums it up.)
 

C is for COOKIES

C is for Cookie and I made enough for me :).

Well I have found I have had a bit of time on my hands due to one thing and another lately and I've had a craving for chocolate chip cookies for a long time now. Before you ask no I'm not pregnant I just don't get cookies very often :).

So I had a look at my limited supplies in my pantry and then had a look at my cookbook which didn't have the answers. Good old Google though helped me find a cookie recipe that fitted in with what i had available and I came up with 2 recipes that I have tried. One is for normal Sugar Cookies which I just added chocolate chips to and the other is for Brown Sugar Cookies, this was good as we had lots of brown sugar in the cupboard.

Thought I would share these with you :).

Sugar Cookies (This is the one I added Chocolate Chips to).
1 1/2 cups of butter softened.
2 cups white sugar
4 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
5 cups all purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt.

• Put into a large bowl sugar and butter and cream them together until smooth. Beat in Eggs and Vanilla. Stir in the Flour, baking powder and salt. Cover and chill dough for at least 1 hour (or overnight).
  
• Preheat oven to 200 and put cookie dough in lots on baking paper.
  
• Cook for 6 - 8 minutes and then leave to cool. Depending on how you like your cookies. I like mine on the soft side in the middle so mine were in there towards the 6 min mark :).
  
• This recipe makes lots (Didn't count them sorry)

Brown Sugar Cookies
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 cup brown sugar (packed)
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
If you want spice cookies add in 2x teaspoons cinnamon, 1 teaspoon nutmeg and 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves (I did not add spices when I made them)

Preheat oven at 200
Mix butter, brown sugar and egg till smooth.
Add vanilla, baking powder and salt and mix.
Mix in flour in slowly so mixture doesn't go lumpy.
Add spices now if required.

Bake till light brown (10 - 12 mins)

I managed to get 14 cookies out of this recipe but this does depend on how big you like your cookies

Have made this recipe 2x this week and this is a photo of last cookie standing lol

I want a refund!!!!!

So I want a refund.

2013 has not lived up to what was originally sold to me and I want a full refund!
Not store credit and I certainly do not want to pick another year as it can not be promised that it won't turn out exactly like this one.

I'm thinking maybe I need to tell "the powers that be" that they have a faulty product and really should look at fixing it.

While it was never stated that I had brought only roses I think I got the product that only had the thorns and fertilizer. I'm still waiting for my roses!!!

Of course when planning for this year no one could expect that it would turn out like this and yes it is "the luck of the draw" but I think a refund is necessary after everything this year.

I think maybe as I push for my refund I could speak to them about their advertising.
Really things like "It can only get better", "This year holds so much promise", "This year is Your year" really shouldn't be used with regards to this year. It's almost false advertising.

I really should've read the "terms and conditions" on New Years day instead of looking at it through hungover eyes first before I went along with all the advertising above. 

If I can't get refund (It's pretty much a given I'm stuck with 2013 isn't it?) I will look into what I can do to get the roses. I have enough fertiliser to sink a ship so I better get some brilliant ones :).

Right now that I have my nonsense rant out of the way I promise I'm fine and we can go back to our regularly scheduled Friday lol.